The "What's Next?" Cycle

Kalau ingat balik, aku ni jenis yang susah nak rasa over-excited pasal achievement sendiri. Aku somehow lupa nak enjoy the moment... lupa nak berhenti sejenak dekat setiap checkpoint yang aku dah sampai. Masa SPM dulu, result boleh tahan padu jugak, tapi otak aku terus tanya, "Okay, what’s next?" Tak ada rasa nak melompat ke apa.

Dulu masa sekolah menengah, aku tengok kawan-kawan semua dah ada target nak jadi doktor, peguam, atau itu ini. Aku? Langsung tak ada. Aku cuma jenis yang flow with the flow. Aku tak ada peta yang jelas untuk masa depan, aku redah je apa yang ada depan mata.

Masuk Matrikulasi pulak, bila habis, orang lain happy. Aku? Aku rasa sedih sebab tu mungkin kali terakhir aku jumpa kawan-kawan kelas. Connection tu lagi mahal bagi aku daripada silibus.

Habis degree kat UMP pun sama. Masa hari grad, aku decide tak payah jemput parents. Bukan tak sayang, tapi aku tak nak susahkan dorang berpanas, penat-penat semata nak tengok aku naik pentas ambil skrol. Lagipun, jubah tu kena sewa kot. Membazir je rasa. Aku pun tak naik pentas. Bagi aku, itu cuma sehelai kertas. Real life starts after that.

Fasa mula kerja as RF Engineer kat YPTT, aku memang flow with the flow gila-gila. Nampak macam relaks, tapi dalam hati worried as fuck. Gaji cukup-cukup makan.

Aku ingat lagi satu malam, masa masih menumpang rumah Cik Nuar. Aku drive Proton Saga merah aku tanpa arah. Tengah sesak fikir masa depan, aku terlanggar lampu merah. Sikit lagi nak kena lenyek dengan lori. Masa tu aku sedar, aku dah sampai point paling buntu dalam hidup.

Tapi Tuhan Maha Adil. Aku stay lama jugak kat situ sampai akhirnya mampu angkat R25. That was a start.

Tapi sekarang, vibes dia dah lain. Aku bukan lagi budak Saga merah yang bawak kereta tak ada arah tu. Sekarang aku ada keluarga, ada tanggungjawab yang lagi besar. Perasaan "excited" tu pun dah bertukar—bukan lagi pasal diri sendiri, tapi pasal security untuk anak bini.

Dulu "flow with the flow", sekarang setiap langkah kena calculated. Tak boleh lagi main redah lampu merah kehidupan. Kepuasan tengok anak isteri selamat dan selesa sekarang ni sebenarnya satu high yang lagi padu daripada momen konvo kat UMP dulu. Masa tu aku rasa naik pentas pun tak perlu, tapi 'naik pentas' kehidupan sebagai seorang ayah dan suami ni, itu baru kemenangan yang aku nak raikan.

Budak Saga merah dulu mungkin tak sangka dia akan sampai ke tahap ni. Alhamdulillah for everything.

Survival mode

I don't know. I'm always tired. Sometimes I feel like I'm not being the husband or father I want to be, but I do my best to provide. I guess I’m just in survival mode right now. But honestly? It's worth it when I get home and see my family. And that SV650... man, it’s a good daily. At the end of the day, I just keep telling myself: everything will be alright.

Main Motor ke Main Priority?

Dah masuk tahun 2026 ni, mata saya masih tak lepas memandang skrin telefon setiap kali nampak gambar Ducati Hypermotard V2 yang baru. Ada sesuatu tentang 'hooligan bike' ni yang buatkan jiwa rider saya meronta-ronta. Rekaan minimalis, posisi duduk yang tegak, dan bunyi enjin V-Twin Ducati... memang 'racun' yang cukup kuat.

Tapi itulah, bila duduk bertenang kejap sambil tengok slip gaji dan komitmen rumah tangga, terus rasa macam kena simbah air sejuk kat muka. Hari-hari berulang-alik kerja, motosikal bukan sekadar gaya, tapi ia adalah 'tools' untuk cari rezeki. Membayangkan ansuran bulanan Hypermotard V2 dengan kos servis Ducati, buatkan saya berfikir dua tiga kali.

"Masa muda ni lah nak merasa. Nanti dah tua badan pula tak larat." — Saifudin

Kata-kata Saifudin tu ada benarnya. Tapi pada fasa hidup sekarang, prioriti saya dah berubah. Keluarga, simpanan, dan komitmen sedia ada lebih penting. Lagipun, motor yang saya ada sekarang masih lagi setia berkhidmat menempuh kesesakan di Tambak setiap pagi. Hypermotard mungkin boleh bagi kepuasan hujung minggu, tapi realitinya, 'priority isn't there yet'.

Hypermotard ni aku simpan dulu kat dalam satu "box" otak aku ni. Janji motor yang ada sekarang masih steady bawa pergi kerja cari rezeki. Mana tahu hujung tahun 2026 ada rezeki terpijak? Amin!

The Evolving Jester

He used to be a playful person — always joking around, never taking things too seriously. He'd worn his playfulness like a vibrant cloak, convinced it was a disguise, a mask to shield the real, more serious self beneath.

The thing about being a playful character is you can hurt others with your words unintentionally. He'd learned this the hard way, his careless jabs often leaving unintended wounds. He'd been a talkative without thinking about his words, a whirlwind of opinions and observations, rarely considering the impact they might have on others.

But beneath the surface, a quiet unease simmered. Was this playful persona truly him, or was it a carefully crafted role he played to navigate the world?

Then, a slow awakening began. He realized the truth: his playfulness wasn't a disguise; it was the vibrant hue that colored his very essence.

This newfound self-acceptance, however, wasn't without its adjustments; he started to shape his character. The shift was subtle at first, a tightening of the reins, a newfound awareness of the weight of his words. The room, once filled with his boisterous commentary, began to quiet. He started to listen more, to observe, to weigh each sentence before it tumbled from his lips. The playful jabs, once so effortless, now felt sharp, almost cruel. He learned to choose his battles, to let some things go unsaid.

Now, silence was his companion. He found himself drawn to quiet corners, the hum of the city fading into a distant lullaby. Words, when they did come, carried the weight of meaning, each one carefully chosen, a precious stone polished to a perfect gleam. The room, once filled with the echoes of his laughter, now held a different kind of energy – a quiet intensity, a sense of deep listening, a profound respect for the power of the spoken word.

This is a short story about me.